Ahhhh the New Year. The time of year where the gyms fill to bursting for three weeks, and the collective anger level of the world doubles as millions try to quit smoking cold turkey. I’m sure we all have some level of resolution to begin 2017, from ridiculously ambitious, to absolutely jack squat. Contrary to the belief of some, the Carolina Hurricanes hockey players are actually human, and they have goals too (every pun intended). As we at Canes & Coffee are intimately familiar with every personal aspect of our Canes players, we were able to learn, through osmosis and bribes of Taylor Swift tickets, what exactly each Hurricane will be striving for this year.
The Office Goals
Ron Francis resolves to flip off everyone who told him re-signing Cam Ward was a stupid idea.
Bill Peters resolves to market his own line of hair growth product for older gentlemen.
Rod Brind’Amour resolves to look more annoyed during his in-game interviews.
Steve Smith resolves to disavow any video that might be found by searching ‘Steve Smith hockey’ on Youtube.
The Players’ Resolutions
Justin Faulk resolves to frame Skinner and Staal for the theft of the coaches’ stash of hair care products, so he can be captain.
Jeff Skinner resolves to grow 15 new beard hairs over the rest of the season.
Jordan Staal resolves to buy a better pair of noise-cancelling headphones to drown out all the Bieber music in the locker room. Damn kids.
Sebastian Aho resolves to find out if there’s a record for most goalposts hit during a season.
Matt Tennyson resolves to teach Noah Hanifin that Classic Movie Night does not HAVE to include a Mighty Ducks movie.
Derek Ryan resolves to finally decide between Jay Baruchel and the kicker from Blue Mountain State, for who will play the title role in his self-produced biopic
Joakim Nordstrom resolves to find the hole where Andrej Nestrasil has been hiding.
Elias Lindholm resolves to invest heavily in leprechaun, rabbit’s foot, and amulet stocks.
Lee Stempniak resolves to never again feed Aho and Teravainen after midnight.
Ron Hainsey resolves to discover if there’s enough magic in the world to get Justin Faulk to smile again.
Jay McClement resolves to double his letter-writing campaign to get a Tim Horton’s in Raleigh.
Eddie Lack resolves to punch the guy that convinced him to take the taco deal with the Gonza owner.
Jaccob Slavin resolves to lead the Hurricanes back to the playoffs before the Rapture occurs in 2018.
Teuvo Teravainen resolves to send Stan Bowman a gift basket and a nice Northface fleece.
Victor Rask resolves to conduct an in-depth study on whether the lack of front teeth is considered sexy or just disturbing.
Noah Hanifin resolves to finally take the time to finish his Driver’s Ed class.
Brett Pesce also resolves to teach Justin Faulk how to smile. Seriously, the guy looks like he’ll murder everyone.
Brock McGinn resolves to bring the mullet back. Hey, it could happen….
Phil Di Giuseppe resolves to do some significant research on the Las Vegas real estate market.
Michael Leighton resolves to see if they’ll name the Raleigh-Charlotte Amtrak line after him.
Ryan Murphy resolves to do something, anything to make him not the least accomplished of the nine Ryan Murphys on Wikipedia
Victor Stalberg resolves to just keep shooting, just keep shooting, just keep shooting, shooting, shooting. What do we do we shoot, shoot, shoot.
Andrej Nestrasil resolves to find the source of Jordan Staal’s magic that turned Nestrasil into a serviceable NHL player.
All John Scott supporters resolve to make Jorge Alves a 2017 All-Star Captain.
Cam Ward resolves nothing. He will do absolutely zero things differently, so as not to jinx his resurgence.
On a more serious note and riding the incredible locker room positivity of Jorge Alves appearance yesterday, Brian Bickell resolves to play hockey again, and we all 100% support that both for him and our power play. In a season that has already seen AHL veteran Michael Leighton make an improbable return to NHL ice, 37-year old equipment manager Jorge Alves better that with a storybook NHL appearance, a Bryan Bickell return to PNC Arena ice would top both of them in 2017.
Moving on to a 2017 Full of Weird and Wonderful Possibilities
Clearly, our current Hurricanes team is a tad strange, but hey it’s about results on the ice. Off the ice, they can do whatever twisted, crazy ideas come into my brain. While 2017 brings with it a lot of uncertainty on which celebrities will die next, and whether or not the collective state of Mississippi actually makes it through another revolution around the sun, I think we can all celebrate because we have yet another year of entertaining Carolina Hurricanes hockey ahead of us.
