As the American electoral season draws (thankfully) near to its climactic close, many of us still ask ourselves before bed every night, ‘Who’s going to make Canes Nation great again?’ Or at the very least, get the team back into the playoffs. So, as a distraction from anything related to actual politics, we’re going to take this instance to create our own little version of Indecision 2016: Caniac style. Rules are for less ridiculous topics. The guidelines of this exercise are simply to muse who would be the best Hurricanes players or management to guide our Canes-centric nation forward into the future. Both for the Presidency and a potential cabinet for said nation. Because some of us are just nerds that way.
Totally Legit Recent History of the Canes Nation
I think we can all agree that final years of longtime President Eric Staal’s tenure were nothing to write in the history books about. Yet, following his resignation and exile to much colder temperatures of Wild-land, none other than Ron Francis stepped into the office once again, to try and regain some of the magic from his initial tenure 15 years ago. Now President Francis is running again, the legend himself, but despite his past accomplishments, is he really the right person to lead Canes Nation into the future?
The Presidential and VP Candidates
Old-Timers Party: Ron Francis/Cam Ward “Re-Energized, Retooled, Redvolution”
Francis, the face of the Nation was expected to win the election in the landslide. Unfortunately an upstart competitor, some defensive lapses, and an unpopular VP pick has turned this into an ubercompetitive race. Cam Ward might have some seriously low popularity pollings throughout Canes Nation right now, but in reality he’s a ridiculously good vice-presidential candidate. He has leadership ability in spades, and yet he won’t really have an important job…outside of breaking ties.
Millennial Party: Jeff Skinner/Victor Rask “We Actually Achieve Goals”
While Jeff Skinner has always had the boyish face and youthful enthusiasm that the people love, it was only after Skinner put the entire team (and likewise the hopes and dreams of Canes Nation) on his back that he became a serious contender for the Presidency. Alongside Skinner stands running (line)mate, Victor Rask, who brings both the Scandinavian voters and all the local dentists vying for his business. With this newfound energy, the Millennial ticket is skyrocketing in the polls. Will they have enough to secure electoral glory? The people of Canes Nation will decide
Regardless of who takes the helm of the Canes Nation Ship of Playoff Dreams, they will need a strong cabinet to help guide them through treacherous foreign frozen waters and deal with the depraved dunderheads of Caps Country and Sabreland.
Secretary of State- Eddie Lack
The man has played in three countries and, based entirely on one endless loop of a taco commercial, is the most personable guy on our team. And be honest, wouldn’t you rather watch that commercial (or this one) over his recent play in goal?
Secretary of Defense- Bill Peters
Say what you want about the performance this season, he gets the young people to beneficially contribute to the defense for Canes Nation. That is a skill that should not be undersold.
Secretary of Treasury- Jordan Staal
He’s making $6 mil a year through 2023. As far as Canes Nation is concerned, he virtually IS the treasury. Plus I’m not entirely sure what else he does. There’s no Department of Holding the Puck In the Corner.
Attorney General- Phil di Giuseppe
Whenever the rights of Canes Nation are being oppressed, Phil’s gloves have come off. Unless you’re last name is Rutherford, you have to respect that.
Secretary of Homeland Security- Jaccob Slavin
Despite his youth it’s becoming increasingly evident that Slavin is the least likely to allow any major mistakes for the Canes’ defense. Note to Justin Faulk: Consistency is key.
Secretary of Labor- Rod Brind’Amour
Nobody worked harder than the long-time Canes captain, and I’m guessing that he’s the guy on the end of the whistle when the Canes do their wind sprints too.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs/Education- Jay McClement/Ron Hainsey
They’re old, they’re slow, but they can at least mentor. Besides can you even name anybody that held these positions, ever? I didn’t think so.
Secretary of Energy/Transportation- Sebastian Aho, Teuvo Teravainen
I’m quickly coming to the belief that, even if he’s not on the score sheet, Sebastian Aho is everywhere else. He’s only 19, but what a versatile weapon for us. Also, Teravainen is fast. Not much else yet, but really, really fast.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development- Brett Pesce
Ummmmm, I didn’t actually remember this was a cabinet position, but I’m guessing they’ll want the solid, little flash-less mistakes guy. Though he is from New Hampshire, a state devoid of anything urban.
Secretary of Health and Human Services- Justin Faulk
He’s spent enough time in the past few years being injured, he should know how that system works by this point.
Secretary of Agriculture- Noah Hanifin
Because nobody looks more like a stoner in their Google head shot than Noah Hanifin. Seriously, look it up.
Secretary of the Interior- Elias Lindholm
Do you know what the Interior department does? Do you know what Elias Lindholm does? Are you seriously still reading this? Wow, thanks.
Get Out and Vote, Canes Nation!
And so we put it to you, Canes Nation, who will be the leader tasked with bringing our lightly-storied franchise back to prominence once again?